The 5 Best Myths (In Order of Bad Assitude)

5. The story of Cadmus. Cadmus was sent to find his sister, Europa, after she had taken by the god, Jupiter. In his quest to find his sister he consulted the oracle of Apollo in the hope that the oracle could privide her location. Instead, the oracle told Cadmus to follow a cow wo whatever ends and where it stops he will build a city and call it Thebes. Fine, whatever. Kind of sci-fi, but nothing great. As he left the oracle though, Cadmus saw a young calf. He hastened after it to a vast plain where it finally stopped and turned its head towards the sky.

No big, but here's where it gets all trippy and violent. Cadmus kissed the ground where he would build his great city and sent his men off to find water, which they did. Only they didn't expect the fountain that they dipped their buckets in to be protected by a giant fucking snake. UH-OH!!! Needless to say, the snake towered over the men and slew all of them. Cadmus, who had been sitting in the middle of his plain or whatever, soon went looking for them. He came upon their remains and the snake that had killed them all. He threw his spear at the beast and pierced it's guts (whoa!) and then used his sword to pierce THROUGH ITS FUCKING HEAD! Cadmus then pissed on his defeated foe while it still yet breathed, screaming "Adios, dick."

As he did this he heard a voice on the wind tell him to pick the teeth from the snake and bury them where his city should be. He did this and by the time the last tooth had been buried men in full armor and holding swords rose from the ground. Cadmus, alarmed, readied himself for battle, but instead the Earth Dudes all killed each other until there were only 5 left. These 5 declared peace and helped Cadmus build Thebes.

I don't know why this guy had to go through all this, but he killed a giant snake and then witnessed people grow from the ground and declare war on each other. He then made the few survivors help build him a city without batting an eye lash. Bad ass.

4. Actaeon. Coincidentallly, Actaeon was the son of Cadmus, the first King of Thebes. Anyway, he surpasses him in righteousness. Actaeon had spent a day hunting with his best friends and his favorite dogs. They had killed a lot, which makes them pretty cool already in a Last of the Mohicans kind of way. They decided that they had killed enough and Actaeon jumped down from his horse and searched for water. He soon found a cave and entered it. In the cave he found the virgin goddess Diana being bathed by nymphs. She yelled at him as he left, saying that he should tell his friends...if he's able. As he ran he grew the horns of a stag and soon noticed he was running on hooves instead of feet. He turned a corner and his dogs saw him and took chase. He ran as fast as he could, but was soon caught by the dogs and killed by his friends who couldn't understand that the sounds he made were cries for help. Before he died, the last thing he heard his friend say was "I wish the Prince could be here for this."

3. Minos and Scylla. Magara was under siege by Minos, the King of Crete. For six months the Magarans were able to keep the Cretians from entering their city. Scylla, the daughter of Nisus, King of Magara, had been spending the six months in Magara's highest tower looking down on the battlefield and had fallen in love with the sight of Minos. One night she went to her father's room and took the key to the city. She then cloaked herself and opened the gates and went to Minos. She gave him the city in the hopes that he might love her. In the fewest words possible, Minos, told her that she was despicable and he would have nothing to do with her. He then made a truce with the Magarans out of disgrace and left. As his fleet set sail though, Scylla grabbed the ropes to one of the boats and attempted to climb aboard so that she could still look at Minos. Not very cool, except for the really, really creepy Fatal Attraction bit. Here's the thing though, when Scylla's father Nisus awoke to find his daughter had betrayed him, his fury was so great that the God's turned him into a BIRD OF PREY!!! He then flew from his room and found his daughter trying to climb the ropes aboard the Cretian vessel and swooped down upon her, using his claws and beak to pull at her flesh. She fell, but apparently some total wuss of a deity took pity and changed her also into a bird. Apparently though, whener you see a bird dive towards the water with its claws open and beak wide, the bird is attacking her for her ancient crime.

2. Niobe. This lady rules. She was the Queen of Thebes and one day attended a festival honoring Latona. Instead of being cool about it though, Latona said she had more reason to be worshipped because she was just as beautiful as Latona, but also had seven beautiful daughters and seven heroic sons, while Latona only had one son and one daughter. I'm pretty sure if you could have sen the crowd that day, you would have seen a thousand people all backing away from her slowly, looking for the nearest exit. Anyway, Latona, totally not okay with this shenanigan, called on her daughter Diana and her son Apollo. They acted out her vengeance by going to Thebes and murdering all of Niobe's sons. Amphion, her husband, murdered himself once he heard his sons had been killed. Niobe cried along with her seven daughters as they found the brothers. Latona, however, cool as ever, insisted that she still was better than Latona. As the last words left her lips, her eldest daughter fell dead upon the brother she mourned. 5 others fell with arrows through their hearts until only the youngest was left. Latona grabbed her and pleaeded for mercy, but as she said it, her daughter fell dead from her arms.

1. Medea. This woman helped Jason get the Fleece. Isn't that cool? Yeah, it is. You know what's cool, but not cool, but bad ass? When that same woman leaves with Jason. This causes her father to board a ship and lead a fleet after her and Jason to try and catch them. But like the sharpest tac, Medea had brought with her her young brother. When her father's ships approached them, she used sorcery to break her brother apart and threw his body parts into the water to delay her father.

That's not even close to all of it though. She also used her sorcery to give false hope to Jason's uncle. His uncle had kept Jason from his rightful throne. Anyway, Jason's nieces begged Medea to use her sorcery to save their ailing and aged father. She agreed, but led them along falsely. She told them that they had to drain the blood of their father...and they did, by stabbing him repeatedly. They then dipped him in her cauldron and before they realized they had been deceived and they killed their own father, Medea had hastened away on her serpent-drawn chariot. Repeat that last sentence again. Now you know why this is the most bad ass story ever.