What I'm Gonna Do.

I'm going to change this a little bit. I don't post more than once or twice a week because I try to only post the better pieces I have going, which isn't many...or none if you want to be a jerk about it. So, I want to post more. I'm going to start doing this by posting movie reviews, my often shameful taste in music and other small thoughts or opinions. No more religion. Well, probably. Anyway, I'm going to start now and give you the scoop on everything rad that's going on. Some are exclusive to Richmond in the summer and others are universal summer boner-inducers.

1. Don't go home. It's the summer. If you don't live near your parents, good. If you do, travel A LOT. I'm sure not many people have issues with family like I do, but you should. Friends are ten times more kick ass and you know they'll understand that when you call them "fag" or "pussy", you're just joking. Now, try calling your mom a pussy and see what happens. If there's one season you don't want to have a care in the world, it's summer. Why ruin that time by hanging out with a group of people who you don't have that much in common with and with whom you have to knock out a significant portion of your vocabulary.

2. Ride a bike. Easy. It rules. Do you know how much bike riders fucking laugh at all you guys with your fucking rididulous gas prices? I seriously just want to punch drivers in the fucking face for being that dumb. I can understand if you have a shit ton of money. If you didn't stuff into your SUV you'd probably just spend that extra money at some dumb fucking store buying something that can only be labeled as a "knick knack". So go ahead, spend the money on gas then, that form of stupid is far more acceptable to me than Pottery Barn stupid. Just remember that I still want to punch you. Ride a bike.

3. Go see a good movie some night. This is somewhat deceiving. It looks and seems like a simple idea, right? You've seen movies, they can be fun, right? Well it isn't that easy. The word you need to focus on in that first sentence is "good" and by the gross numbers that come in every weekend, about 10% of you actually know what that word means. The rest of you seem to think Lindsey Lohan and sequels to mediocre kids movies are top notch. I'm not supporting art films here though either. Not one bit. It's summer; save that arty shit for winter when you can't go outside and you're forced to sit in front of the TV all day anyway. I'm all for mindless entertainment, but the word "good" has to be involved. Let me explain through examples. Let's start with teen movies. They're GREAT for summer, but are also amazing inconsistent. Here we go! "She's All That"--good. "Drumline"--bad. "Bring It On"--great. "The Prince and Me"--bad. Once more for good measure. "The Princess Diaries"--good. "Princess Diaries 2"--bad. There you go. That's how you measure. Let's look at several other genres. Action: Bad Boys 2 is good, Mission: Impossible 2 is bad and Mr. and Mrs. Smith holds the middle ground. Horror: Saw is bad, Final Destination 2 is good. Comedy: Grandma's Boy is good, Harold and Kumar is good, Meet the Parents is somewhere in the middle, and any comedy Jim Carrey has done in the last 5 years is bad. I think you get it. It doesn't have to be smart, but it has to be done well. You want it to be fun, that's what summer is all about, but don't compromise yourself and watch some hideous shit disguised as "good". I'm looking at you, X3!

4. Listen to pop music. If you're white then that's all there is to it. If you're black then maybe try Madvillain or something like that. Ghostface Killah ain't half bad. If you're asian, well, you're probably already listening to pop. Nevermind, everyone but black people just listen to pop. Some suggestions, you say? You got it! Two words: Kelly Clarkson. Done and done. "Breakaway" is an amazing album. You can laugh, but you know what? This shit is ten times better than fucking Arctic Monkeys or Death Cab for Cutie or whatever band is doing what other bands were doing two years ago when it was actually interesting. Look, we've all heard "Since U Been Gone" enought that it will permanently be etched in our brains, sometimes coming up and out of our mouths before we even know what we're singing. That's okay. The rest of the album is good too and it's one of the best summer records to come out in years. Other summer suggestions: New Pornographers, Sloan, Islands, the Shins, Thermals, Jon Brion.

5. Slurpees and 40's. I think Slurpees are the official sponsor of summer by this point. There's nothing that compares to being out all day, sweating like crazy, passing a 7-11 and feeling your stomach actually try to separate from your body to go there even if you're not planning on it. Beware though, about 20% of the time Slurpees will destroy you; especially if taken without any other food. 40's are self-explanatory. Sitting on a front porch (especially in Oregon Hill) with a 40 of High Life or Iron City is summer incarnate.

The rest are essentials that need no explaining. Swimming, anything creative, and, of course, soccer. Good luck and have fun.