8 Reasons Germany Can Eat a Dick.

1. They live up to their stereotype. How amazing is it that Germans are all exactly like their machinery? It makes it so much easier to picture little cogs, slightly rusty from lack of use, in place of organs. They're pulling this and pushing that and shooting at this person and shoveling ashes and whatnot, but they have no real human parts, which leads us to...

2. The word "Guilt" isn't in their dictionary. I was told this about 45 minutes ago and I'm not sure if it's acvtually true, but if you apply my theorem described in Point 1, then it makes it a lot easier to see why things such as Point 3 can happen in a country this fucking stupid.

3. The Holocaust. Usually whenever a word becomes capitalized as a proper noun when it wasn't one before you can pretty much bet that someone did something absolutely incredible or they did something way harsh. While I've made plenty of jokes suggesting that the Holocaust may have been a "totally amazing, if not slightly odd bit of xenophobic anxiety", the truth is that it was fucked up. As a test of this, go see Schindler's List or The Pianist and see if you want a cheeseburger afterwards. I know that sounds weird, but try to keep up. When I came out of the theatre after seeing The Pianist I was slouching from the guilt passed on to me: a white, no-German heritage having dude who wouldn't even be a zygote until the late-seventies. The thing is, I really wanted a cheeseburger and was starving as hell, but would I pull over and get one? Fuck no. That would be fucked up. When you can't even eat because of an action that happened half a century ago that you have absolutely no ties to at all, my friend, you've just seen some seriously twisted junk. My only hope is that from 1932-1945 no German EVER enjoyed a burger.

4. East Germany: specifically. Does anyone know of anything good that came from this place? Anything? Anybody? Artists? Writers? Oh, no, nevermind. I forgot they were pretty much at the mercy of Stalin for a good portion of the time, yet another crazy as fuck loon. I guess their lack of creativity was suppressed by shear madness...again.

5. They march like toy soldiers. And just like toy soldiers, they fall over like they're ducks in a shooting gallery...I have no idea of what that means. BUT, that couldn't have helped during the Battle of the Bulge or that time they tried to invade Russia...in winter...without proper gear...or reason...or a clue that they were following orders from a guy who had Point 6.

6. Syphilis!!! Listen Germany. I know things were hard after World War I. You had no money, everyone was struggling to put food on the table. These are hard things to cope with. I'm sorry you had to go through it. I guess that's why you followed a raving madman who A.) hadn't had sex since about 1908, B.)had brain deterioration, C.) had ulcers of the skinand lesions, and D.) pretty much killed all his best friends and most respected generals. Yes, I see now where your logic lay, sweet Germany. They lay with the absolute absence of logic.

7. How long does it take to bring down a stupid wall? All I'm saying, with all due respect, is that if that wall had been up over here, the star and stripes would pulled that thing down in a fucking hour. Of course we then would have immediately regretted letting all the smelly people on the other side come over and stink up OUR side.

8. They get to host the World Cup. Well, this isn't too bad, now that I think about it. I figure if Costa Rica can score on them twice in a game then that doesn't show too much stability on the field and I'd be happy to see Germany humiliated in a stadium filled with their own. Of course, they seem to always bounce back in some terrifying ways (see Point 3).

Um, I think I'm starting to stretch it a little so I'm going to quit now. Originally I was going to make it a nice, even ten points (divisible by 2 and 5!), but I don't know enough about the country to lay into them much more than I have. Honestly, I'm pretty much just mad that they beat Poland in stoppage time today. Sorry, dudes.