This is broken into two parts. That can be made plain if you notice "and" in the title. The first part is how long it's been since I last wrote on here. To go into why it has been that long would take some time. Just kidding. My junk ain't that interesting. I've been watching soccer. That, and I'm not that clever. I mainly try to use this blog as a testament to my own cleverness, so when I'm dry I don't write. That's that.
Not entirely though. Cleverness is a hard thing to pin down. It can come in great sweeps, as it does for Dan; a resident of this page who has yet to do anything on it. It can come in small, mainly sexual, racial or crude remarks as it does for myself. It can also come in the form of obscure knowledge and acknowledgements, such as it is with Cole...who also hasn't written anything on here. Mine, I would argue, is the least interesting. It gets old if you're stuck in a van with me for severeal days. The other two forms force the brain to work overtime. They act as an invitation and a challenge all at once. You are, of course, invited to laugh at whatever is being said, but cleverness tends to work in volley's. Thus, you are expected to lob something back to the other person, much as one would in a tennis match, but without all the grunting, sweating, physical prowess, or physique. In that regard it's much easier.
You can't just make your mind work in a certain way though. You have to adapt. This is something that is more difficult than it is for some others. I can usually adapt somewhat easily; shaping my jokes around the intended fuck I want to laugh at the gems I'm laying at their feet. Sometimes it's harder though and that's when it gets tricky. Usually, if you're only somewhat able to adapt, this means you become the really weird guy. You say things that possibly go too far or are too creepy. Depending on the crowd you're with, this may still work out. They may mistake it for some kind of warped genius. If they do, run with it. No one else is gonna laugh at that stupid shit. Most people will just think you're creepy.
Now the New American Peter Pan is something my friend Dan came up with about a week ago that has kind of put me up against the ropes; chaffing and all. I should start by saying that I've always loved children's literature. The imagination, for me, is the most important thing a person has to offer, with integrity coming a close second. The imagination, and the way it's used in children's literature is so free and able to move about as it wants. It may be one of the few genres in literature where you can come up with anything you want; anything at all, and it's not frowned upon.
I guess I also like it because it's usually a reflection of sorts. See, most of these books are in some way tied into innocence--its preservation and its loss. This is usually attached to some kind of growth or decision that must be made; as it is in most other literature. I guess I find this interesting because it's something I'm constantly trying to make sense of myself. I guess you could say I'm also trying to make sense of it FOR myself. Growth and innocence are such contradictory terms. One is impossible to maintain when you have the other. That's the reason for The New American Peter Pan.
My friend Dan suggested that if you look at early twenty somethings that have gone straight from school into employment (mainly in the business world) you see that they look and act older than us; mid-to-late twenty somethings that have avoided that world, both with regret and joy. I cannot speak to the decisions these people make, enterting into the 9-to-5 world or whatever. That's their decision. My decision has been to make all my real decisions disappear. I don't face them. I don't want them. The thought of putting on a suit repulses me. Being in an office smells of exactly what I want to avoid; the growth of responsibility for the loss of imagination. When you look like everyone else, stuck in a small, grey space, how is it that you can maintain the things that make you singular? Maybe there's an answer that makes sense, but I haven't seen it and I refuse to risk any loss in order to find out. I guess that's where Peter Pan comes into it all. Dan has called me the Peter Pan of our group and refers to himself and several others as "Lost Boys." Honestly, I somewhat resent being called Peter Pan in the context for which he uses it, even though I'm plainly admitting now that it's true. No matter.
But, putting all the subtext and wishing and regretting aside, we have decided to make a book of essays. Essays that will embody our lives as "Lost Boys". This is what has put me up against a wall. How does one figure out the modern day Peter Pan? In the book, Peter Pan is a boy who not only is without responsibility, but who also doesn't have the faintest clue what responsibility means. This poses a problem. I can't imagine anyone in this world that hasn't been through a bootcamp of responsibility. We are all taught the rules of living and what is expected of us. We all have certain paths set before us, all of them leading towards responsibility of one kind of another. Yes, you can ignore these options, but if you do, you had better be extraordinarily talented or you're going to be living paycheck to paycheck for the rest of your life.
So, is Peter Pan in 2006 a boy, still without a drop of knowledge about the world that surrounds him? Is he purposefully ignorant or them; moving parallel to them, but never crossing into it? Or is Peter Pan, now, a boy who is aware of the world around him; both acknowledging its usefulness while also ignoring its rewards as a price to high to pay? I'd like to think it's the latter, but I'm not sure if Peter Pan, as a concept or a character, could survive that way. Before I can write any stories I have to know about Peter Pan now. I have to define him and give him context. This is proving to be hard.
All inquiries or comments on this would be most helpful.
Thursday, June 29, 2006
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
8 Reasons Germany Can Eat a Dick.
1. They live up to their stereotype. How amazing is it that Germans are all exactly like their machinery? It makes it so much easier to picture little cogs, slightly rusty from lack of use, in place of organs. They're pulling this and pushing that and shooting at this person and shoveling ashes and whatnot, but they have no real human parts, which leads us to...
2. The word "Guilt" isn't in their dictionary. I was told this about 45 minutes ago and I'm not sure if it's acvtually true, but if you apply my theorem described in Point 1, then it makes it a lot easier to see why things such as Point 3 can happen in a country this fucking stupid.
3. The Holocaust. Usually whenever a word becomes capitalized as a proper noun when it wasn't one before you can pretty much bet that someone did something absolutely incredible or they did something way harsh. While I've made plenty of jokes suggesting that the Holocaust may have been a "totally amazing, if not slightly odd bit of xenophobic anxiety", the truth is that it was fucked up. As a test of this, go see Schindler's List or The Pianist and see if you want a cheeseburger afterwards. I know that sounds weird, but try to keep up. When I came out of the theatre after seeing The Pianist I was slouching from the guilt passed on to me: a white, no-German heritage having dude who wouldn't even be a zygote until the late-seventies. The thing is, I really wanted a cheeseburger and was starving as hell, but would I pull over and get one? Fuck no. That would be fucked up. When you can't even eat because of an action that happened half a century ago that you have absolutely no ties to at all, my friend, you've just seen some seriously twisted junk. My only hope is that from 1932-1945 no German EVER enjoyed a burger.
4. East Germany: specifically. Does anyone know of anything good that came from this place? Anything? Anybody? Artists? Writers? Oh, no, nevermind. I forgot they were pretty much at the mercy of Stalin for a good portion of the time, yet another crazy as fuck loon. I guess their lack of creativity was suppressed by shear madness...again.
5. They march like toy soldiers. And just like toy soldiers, they fall over like they're ducks in a shooting gallery...I have no idea of what that means. BUT, that couldn't have helped during the Battle of the Bulge or that time they tried to invade Russia...in winter...without proper gear...or reason...or a clue that they were following orders from a guy who had Point 6.
6. Syphilis!!! Listen Germany. I know things were hard after World War I. You had no money, everyone was struggling to put food on the table. These are hard things to cope with. I'm sorry you had to go through it. I guess that's why you followed a raving madman who A.) hadn't had sex since about 1908, B.)had brain deterioration, C.) had ulcers of the skinand lesions, and D.) pretty much killed all his best friends and most respected generals. Yes, I see now where your logic lay, sweet Germany. They lay with the absolute absence of logic.
7. How long does it take to bring down a stupid wall? All I'm saying, with all due respect, is that if that wall had been up over here, the star and stripes would pulled that thing down in a fucking hour. Of course we then would have immediately regretted letting all the smelly people on the other side come over and stink up OUR side.
8. They get to host the World Cup. Well, this isn't too bad, now that I think about it. I figure if Costa Rica can score on them twice in a game then that doesn't show too much stability on the field and I'd be happy to see Germany humiliated in a stadium filled with their own. Of course, they seem to always bounce back in some terrifying ways (see Point 3).
Um, I think I'm starting to stretch it a little so I'm going to quit now. Originally I was going to make it a nice, even ten points (divisible by 2 and 5!), but I don't know enough about the country to lay into them much more than I have. Honestly, I'm pretty much just mad that they beat Poland in stoppage time today. Sorry, dudes.
2. The word "Guilt" isn't in their dictionary. I was told this about 45 minutes ago and I'm not sure if it's acvtually true, but if you apply my theorem described in Point 1, then it makes it a lot easier to see why things such as Point 3 can happen in a country this fucking stupid.
3. The Holocaust. Usually whenever a word becomes capitalized as a proper noun when it wasn't one before you can pretty much bet that someone did something absolutely incredible or they did something way harsh. While I've made plenty of jokes suggesting that the Holocaust may have been a "totally amazing, if not slightly odd bit of xenophobic anxiety", the truth is that it was fucked up. As a test of this, go see Schindler's List or The Pianist and see if you want a cheeseburger afterwards. I know that sounds weird, but try to keep up. When I came out of the theatre after seeing The Pianist I was slouching from the guilt passed on to me: a white, no-German heritage having dude who wouldn't even be a zygote until the late-seventies. The thing is, I really wanted a cheeseburger and was starving as hell, but would I pull over and get one? Fuck no. That would be fucked up. When you can't even eat because of an action that happened half a century ago that you have absolutely no ties to at all, my friend, you've just seen some seriously twisted junk. My only hope is that from 1932-1945 no German EVER enjoyed a burger.
4. East Germany: specifically. Does anyone know of anything good that came from this place? Anything? Anybody? Artists? Writers? Oh, no, nevermind. I forgot they were pretty much at the mercy of Stalin for a good portion of the time, yet another crazy as fuck loon. I guess their lack of creativity was suppressed by shear madness...again.
5. They march like toy soldiers. And just like toy soldiers, they fall over like they're ducks in a shooting gallery...I have no idea of what that means. BUT, that couldn't have helped during the Battle of the Bulge or that time they tried to invade Russia...in winter...without proper gear...or reason...or a clue that they were following orders from a guy who had Point 6.
6. Syphilis!!! Listen Germany. I know things were hard after World War I. You had no money, everyone was struggling to put food on the table. These are hard things to cope with. I'm sorry you had to go through it. I guess that's why you followed a raving madman who A.) hadn't had sex since about 1908, B.)had brain deterioration, C.) had ulcers of the skinand lesions, and D.) pretty much killed all his best friends and most respected generals. Yes, I see now where your logic lay, sweet Germany. They lay with the absolute absence of logic.
7. How long does it take to bring down a stupid wall? All I'm saying, with all due respect, is that if that wall had been up over here, the star and stripes would pulled that thing down in a fucking hour. Of course we then would have immediately regretted letting all the smelly people on the other side come over and stink up OUR side.
8. They get to host the World Cup. Well, this isn't too bad, now that I think about it. I figure if Costa Rica can score on them twice in a game then that doesn't show too much stability on the field and I'd be happy to see Germany humiliated in a stadium filled with their own. Of course, they seem to always bounce back in some terrifying ways (see Point 3).
Um, I think I'm starting to stretch it a little so I'm going to quit now. Originally I was going to make it a nice, even ten points (divisible by 2 and 5!), but I don't know enough about the country to lay into them much more than I have. Honestly, I'm pretty much just mad that they beat Poland in stoppage time today. Sorry, dudes.
Saturday, June 10, 2006
Day 1 of the World Cup.
Well, months of time, energy, money, and thought have all come into a physical game at long last. My television I bought is at work and I was able to watch the Germany v. Costa Rica kick off. I worked, I watched, I missed all six goals being scored. That's okay though. The Tico's were able to score twice on Jens Lehmann, the German Keeper. Why is that a big deal when the Germans scored FOUR goals on Costa Rica? Well, mainly because I like to see the Germans get scored on, but also because during the last World Cup in South Korea and Japan, Oliver Kahn didn't let a single goal get through until the final match against Brazil. That's seven games without being scored on. This time around it took 12 minutes.
Needless to say, I'm not a fan of Germany. They may be the team that most easily fits the stereotype of their country at large. They are mechanical, efficient and play without an ounce of passion. It's like staring at a clock or something. You can admire how it will always, ALWAYS stay on time, but that doesn't make it that much fun to just stare at the damn thing.
This is the great thing about the World Cup. Teams that have never met are playing against one another. Anyone who watches soccer knows that with different countries and different continents comes different playing styles. So when Germany meets a team like Costa Rica, you have no idea what's going to happen. The underdog can upset the heavy favorite. It's possible and you can expect it to happen at least once every World Cup. The heavyweights aren't safe. That's what makes this game beautiful.
Later, when Ecuador beat Poland. Just what I'm talking about. A 2-0 win for a team that was supposed to lose. They not only won on the score board though, they owned the game. They had more possession and they beat the Polish defense down time and time again. I watched it with my friends, my co-workers and my boss (who wouldn't stop giving me guff for watching soccer during work; something I imagine will be her "thing" for the next 30 days) and we all had a blast.
It's now the second day of play and I managed to scrape myself off my bed this morning after a phone call at 9:05, letting me know that Beckham had just scored an amazing goal in the third minute. Headache, backache and all got up and watched the rest of the game and was glad to see the English team work the field pretty well. After that, I slept. Woke up, watched Trinidad and Tobago stun the living shit out of Sweden for 90 minutes and keep them without a goal, although Trinidad and Tobago couldn't score either. Onece again a heavy favorite is stunned and a team that had absolutely no expectation to win and whose game plan included just keeping the game from completely getting away from them, maintained composure long enough to surprise themselves, their countrymen and about one and a half billion people watching on television.
As for right now, Argentina and the Ivory Coast are playing and are only 28 minutes in. I do love the South American team, but I feel a deeper part of me wanting the small African nation who has never played in the World Cup before to make another upset. It would be so great, but it's not likely. Crespo has just scored a couple of minutes ago.
Needless to say, I'm not a fan of Germany. They may be the team that most easily fits the stereotype of their country at large. They are mechanical, efficient and play without an ounce of passion. It's like staring at a clock or something. You can admire how it will always, ALWAYS stay on time, but that doesn't make it that much fun to just stare at the damn thing.
This is the great thing about the World Cup. Teams that have never met are playing against one another. Anyone who watches soccer knows that with different countries and different continents comes different playing styles. So when Germany meets a team like Costa Rica, you have no idea what's going to happen. The underdog can upset the heavy favorite. It's possible and you can expect it to happen at least once every World Cup. The heavyweights aren't safe. That's what makes this game beautiful.
Later, when Ecuador beat Poland. Just what I'm talking about. A 2-0 win for a team that was supposed to lose. They not only won on the score board though, they owned the game. They had more possession and they beat the Polish defense down time and time again. I watched it with my friends, my co-workers and my boss (who wouldn't stop giving me guff for watching soccer during work; something I imagine will be her "thing" for the next 30 days) and we all had a blast.
It's now the second day of play and I managed to scrape myself off my bed this morning after a phone call at 9:05, letting me know that Beckham had just scored an amazing goal in the third minute. Headache, backache and all got up and watched the rest of the game and was glad to see the English team work the field pretty well. After that, I slept. Woke up, watched Trinidad and Tobago stun the living shit out of Sweden for 90 minutes and keep them without a goal, although Trinidad and Tobago couldn't score either. Onece again a heavy favorite is stunned and a team that had absolutely no expectation to win and whose game plan included just keeping the game from completely getting away from them, maintained composure long enough to surprise themselves, their countrymen and about one and a half billion people watching on television.
As for right now, Argentina and the Ivory Coast are playing and are only 28 minutes in. I do love the South American team, but I feel a deeper part of me wanting the small African nation who has never played in the World Cup before to make another upset. It would be so great, but it's not likely. Crespo has just scored a couple of minutes ago.
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
Is There a Man More Dignified Than Sidney Poitier?
Is there a woman more refined than Audrey Hepburn? Is there a man funnier than Mel Brooks? Could it be any better that he married Anne Bancroft? Is there a woman more sexy-funny that Gilda Radner? Isn't it perfect that SHE married Gene Wilder? Can anyone really compare to Jordana Brewster in DEBS? Does everyone but me still really like "What About Bob"? Why don't more people like West Wing? Why is it that not enough people appreciate David Gordon Green? What about Keanu Reeves? Everyone has enjoyed at least two of his movies, so why does everyone hate him? Is it okay that I really like him? Is it okay to think that owning a really big television makes me really cool? Is it okay to WANT to be as dignified as Sidney Poitier, but unable to because I'm such a spazz? Am I the only one who finds Tyra Banks to be the darkest hole in the universe, devoid of anything approaching a human soul? Is it okay to think that American Beauty didn't age well and it just seems really hoaky now? Does anyone else think Carnivale is a B-rate David Lynch project? Does anyone else think the sex scene in Mulholland Drive might be one of the most arousing scenes ever? Does anyone else find the kiss between mother and son in The Manchurian Candidate to be amazingly creepy? Do people still respect Robert Redford? Does there seem to be anyone nicer in show business than The Rock? Why is Scrubs 10 times funnier when you're stoned rather than when you're not? Who in the world would ever think that Eddie Murphy was ever near as funny as Richard Pryor?
We'll continue later.
We'll continue later.
Sunday, June 04, 2006
Ready At All Costs.
I've posted about my history and my enthusiasm for the upcoming World Cup in Germany, but I thought it would be best to also delve into my growind obsession and preparedness. You see, this only happens every 4 years, so there's a lot of build-up. There have been friendly matches and qualifying matches going on for about 2 years and I've caught a few, but not too many. The one's that I've caught have been good, but nothing compared to what's going to happen. From this very moment there's only 4 days 14 hours and 25 minutes from now. You see, that's where I am. A man that has become so focused and, I'll admit, obsessed with what is coming that I'm now a mild irritant to friends and a rash to those I come in general contact with. I have no bounds at this point, fluttering off at anybody about what team I want to win (Portugal) and why. Of course, I'm rarely able to stop at that point, continuing on a crusade to inform everyone about which team is in which group and what two teams should be able to move out of their groups and into the top 16. Who should be watched out for? What young players and teams are supposed to be able to possibly make an impression (Christiano Ronaldo and Ivory Coast, respectively)? Don't worry, I was going to tell you all that whether you asked or not.
It's not only in conversation that I'm able to annoy at large and impress in small. I've now invested not only time, but money. I've spent hours contemplating whether or not I feel I really want the official jersey, and if so, do I want to pay extra to have my favorite player's number and name put on it (I finally settled on a t-shirt and hat as I'm somewhat strapped for cash). I downloaded a World Cup ringtone, something I find abhorrent in most everyway, yet found myself nothing but ecstatic about it at the time. I bought a new television for the occasion to replace the puny 20 inch flatscreen television we had. Never, never would I watch the greatest sporting event in the world on a screen not much bigger than a dinner plate. I got a new 27 inch, high-defintition flatscreen television. This way I can not only see all the gorgeous women from Sweden and Holland who have come to supprt their teams, cheering like rabid warriors preparing for battle, but I can also see every detail of the uniforms worn by the best players playing the best sport in the world.
As for the games themselves; that was tricky. You see, the games are broadcast starting at 9 a.m. and the last game of the day ends at around 5 p.m. This isn't so good for us stateside. I work mornings and have no access to a television. I'm not sure what the schedule will be like on on the radio, so, naturally I spent a good amount of time researching cost and benefit for my boss, the owner of a bar/restaurant, to get cable and show the games. It worked. The new TV I bought, I'm taking it to work with me. It is, in all honesty, a good idea. My boss has to spend no money at all and what she gets, hopefully, is a burst in business for a month during our slowest season. Granted, I'm going to have to work through all of this, but at least I'll be in the loop.
So, this is what it has come down to. Only a couple of days left. But then what? Well, I'll have a full month of pure exctasy along with about half of the world. We'll be watching the games all at the same time and we'll celebrate, continents apart. The thing is, while writing this I've realized, I believe for the first time, that it's only going to last a month. Then I'm going to have to go back and wait. I guess that's okay though. It will be a great month no matter who holds the cup over their heads on July 9th (just please, not Germany). Besides, there's always the Premiership, Serie A, Euro Cup, Copa America, MLS, Ligue 1...
It's not only in conversation that I'm able to annoy at large and impress in small. I've now invested not only time, but money. I've spent hours contemplating whether or not I feel I really want the official jersey, and if so, do I want to pay extra to have my favorite player's number and name put on it (I finally settled on a t-shirt and hat as I'm somewhat strapped for cash). I downloaded a World Cup ringtone, something I find abhorrent in most everyway, yet found myself nothing but ecstatic about it at the time. I bought a new television for the occasion to replace the puny 20 inch flatscreen television we had. Never, never would I watch the greatest sporting event in the world on a screen not much bigger than a dinner plate. I got a new 27 inch, high-defintition flatscreen television. This way I can not only see all the gorgeous women from Sweden and Holland who have come to supprt their teams, cheering like rabid warriors preparing for battle, but I can also see every detail of the uniforms worn by the best players playing the best sport in the world.
As for the games themselves; that was tricky. You see, the games are broadcast starting at 9 a.m. and the last game of the day ends at around 5 p.m. This isn't so good for us stateside. I work mornings and have no access to a television. I'm not sure what the schedule will be like on on the radio, so, naturally I spent a good amount of time researching cost and benefit for my boss, the owner of a bar/restaurant, to get cable and show the games. It worked. The new TV I bought, I'm taking it to work with me. It is, in all honesty, a good idea. My boss has to spend no money at all and what she gets, hopefully, is a burst in business for a month during our slowest season. Granted, I'm going to have to work through all of this, but at least I'll be in the loop.
So, this is what it has come down to. Only a couple of days left. But then what? Well, I'll have a full month of pure exctasy along with about half of the world. We'll be watching the games all at the same time and we'll celebrate, continents apart. The thing is, while writing this I've realized, I believe for the first time, that it's only going to last a month. Then I'm going to have to go back and wait. I guess that's okay though. It will be a great month no matter who holds the cup over their heads on July 9th (just please, not Germany). Besides, there's always the Premiership, Serie A, Euro Cup, Copa America, MLS, Ligue 1...
Friday, June 02, 2006
What I'm Gonna Do.
I'm going to change this a little bit. I don't post more than once or twice a week because I try to only post the better pieces I have going, which isn't many...or none if you want to be a jerk about it. So, I want to post more. I'm going to start doing this by posting movie reviews, my often shameful taste in music and other small thoughts or opinions. No more religion. Well, probably. Anyway, I'm going to start now and give you the scoop on everything rad that's going on. Some are exclusive to Richmond in the summer and others are universal summer boner-inducers.
1. Don't go home. It's the summer. If you don't live near your parents, good. If you do, travel A LOT. I'm sure not many people have issues with family like I do, but you should. Friends are ten times more kick ass and you know they'll understand that when you call them "fag" or "pussy", you're just joking. Now, try calling your mom a pussy and see what happens. If there's one season you don't want to have a care in the world, it's summer. Why ruin that time by hanging out with a group of people who you don't have that much in common with and with whom you have to knock out a significant portion of your vocabulary.
2. Ride a bike. Easy. It rules. Do you know how much bike riders fucking laugh at all you guys with your fucking rididulous gas prices? I seriously just want to punch drivers in the fucking face for being that dumb. I can understand if you have a shit ton of money. If you didn't stuff into your SUV you'd probably just spend that extra money at some dumb fucking store buying something that can only be labeled as a "knick knack". So go ahead, spend the money on gas then, that form of stupid is far more acceptable to me than Pottery Barn stupid. Just remember that I still want to punch you. Ride a bike.
3. Go see a good movie some night. This is somewhat deceiving. It looks and seems like a simple idea, right? You've seen movies, they can be fun, right? Well it isn't that easy. The word you need to focus on in that first sentence is "good" and by the gross numbers that come in every weekend, about 10% of you actually know what that word means. The rest of you seem to think Lindsey Lohan and sequels to mediocre kids movies are top notch. I'm not supporting art films here though either. Not one bit. It's summer; save that arty shit for winter when you can't go outside and you're forced to sit in front of the TV all day anyway. I'm all for mindless entertainment, but the word "good" has to be involved. Let me explain through examples. Let's start with teen movies. They're GREAT for summer, but are also amazing inconsistent. Here we go! "She's All That"--good. "Drumline"--bad. "Bring It On"--great. "The Prince and Me"--bad. Once more for good measure. "The Princess Diaries"--good. "Princess Diaries 2"--bad. There you go. That's how you measure. Let's look at several other genres. Action: Bad Boys 2 is good, Mission: Impossible 2 is bad and Mr. and Mrs. Smith holds the middle ground. Horror: Saw is bad, Final Destination 2 is good. Comedy: Grandma's Boy is good, Harold and Kumar is good, Meet the Parents is somewhere in the middle, and any comedy Jim Carrey has done in the last 5 years is bad. I think you get it. It doesn't have to be smart, but it has to be done well. You want it to be fun, that's what summer is all about, but don't compromise yourself and watch some hideous shit disguised as "good". I'm looking at you, X3!
4. Listen to pop music. If you're white then that's all there is to it. If you're black then maybe try Madvillain or something like that. Ghostface Killah ain't half bad. If you're asian, well, you're probably already listening to pop. Nevermind, everyone but black people just listen to pop. Some suggestions, you say? You got it! Two words: Kelly Clarkson. Done and done. "Breakaway" is an amazing album. You can laugh, but you know what? This shit is ten times better than fucking Arctic Monkeys or Death Cab for Cutie or whatever band is doing what other bands were doing two years ago when it was actually interesting. Look, we've all heard "Since U Been Gone" enought that it will permanently be etched in our brains, sometimes coming up and out of our mouths before we even know what we're singing. That's okay. The rest of the album is good too and it's one of the best summer records to come out in years. Other summer suggestions: New Pornographers, Sloan, Islands, the Shins, Thermals, Jon Brion.
5. Slurpees and 40's. I think Slurpees are the official sponsor of summer by this point. There's nothing that compares to being out all day, sweating like crazy, passing a 7-11 and feeling your stomach actually try to separate from your body to go there even if you're not planning on it. Beware though, about 20% of the time Slurpees will destroy you; especially if taken without any other food. 40's are self-explanatory. Sitting on a front porch (especially in Oregon Hill) with a 40 of High Life or Iron City is summer incarnate.
The rest are essentials that need no explaining. Swimming, anything creative, and, of course, soccer. Good luck and have fun.
1. Don't go home. It's the summer. If you don't live near your parents, good. If you do, travel A LOT. I'm sure not many people have issues with family like I do, but you should. Friends are ten times more kick ass and you know they'll understand that when you call them "fag" or "pussy", you're just joking. Now, try calling your mom a pussy and see what happens. If there's one season you don't want to have a care in the world, it's summer. Why ruin that time by hanging out with a group of people who you don't have that much in common with and with whom you have to knock out a significant portion of your vocabulary.
2. Ride a bike. Easy. It rules. Do you know how much bike riders fucking laugh at all you guys with your fucking rididulous gas prices? I seriously just want to punch drivers in the fucking face for being that dumb. I can understand if you have a shit ton of money. If you didn't stuff into your SUV you'd probably just spend that extra money at some dumb fucking store buying something that can only be labeled as a "knick knack". So go ahead, spend the money on gas then, that form of stupid is far more acceptable to me than Pottery Barn stupid. Just remember that I still want to punch you. Ride a bike.
3. Go see a good movie some night. This is somewhat deceiving. It looks and seems like a simple idea, right? You've seen movies, they can be fun, right? Well it isn't that easy. The word you need to focus on in that first sentence is "good" and by the gross numbers that come in every weekend, about 10% of you actually know what that word means. The rest of you seem to think Lindsey Lohan and sequels to mediocre kids movies are top notch. I'm not supporting art films here though either. Not one bit. It's summer; save that arty shit for winter when you can't go outside and you're forced to sit in front of the TV all day anyway. I'm all for mindless entertainment, but the word "good" has to be involved. Let me explain through examples. Let's start with teen movies. They're GREAT for summer, but are also amazing inconsistent. Here we go! "She's All That"--good. "Drumline"--bad. "Bring It On"--great. "The Prince and Me"--bad. Once more for good measure. "The Princess Diaries"--good. "Princess Diaries 2"--bad. There you go. That's how you measure. Let's look at several other genres. Action: Bad Boys 2 is good, Mission: Impossible 2 is bad and Mr. and Mrs. Smith holds the middle ground. Horror: Saw is bad, Final Destination 2 is good. Comedy: Grandma's Boy is good, Harold and Kumar is good, Meet the Parents is somewhere in the middle, and any comedy Jim Carrey has done in the last 5 years is bad. I think you get it. It doesn't have to be smart, but it has to be done well. You want it to be fun, that's what summer is all about, but don't compromise yourself and watch some hideous shit disguised as "good". I'm looking at you, X3!
4. Listen to pop music. If you're white then that's all there is to it. If you're black then maybe try Madvillain or something like that. Ghostface Killah ain't half bad. If you're asian, well, you're probably already listening to pop. Nevermind, everyone but black people just listen to pop. Some suggestions, you say? You got it! Two words: Kelly Clarkson. Done and done. "Breakaway" is an amazing album. You can laugh, but you know what? This shit is ten times better than fucking Arctic Monkeys or Death Cab for Cutie or whatever band is doing what other bands were doing two years ago when it was actually interesting. Look, we've all heard "Since U Been Gone" enought that it will permanently be etched in our brains, sometimes coming up and out of our mouths before we even know what we're singing. That's okay. The rest of the album is good too and it's one of the best summer records to come out in years. Other summer suggestions: New Pornographers, Sloan, Islands, the Shins, Thermals, Jon Brion.
5. Slurpees and 40's. I think Slurpees are the official sponsor of summer by this point. There's nothing that compares to being out all day, sweating like crazy, passing a 7-11 and feeling your stomach actually try to separate from your body to go there even if you're not planning on it. Beware though, about 20% of the time Slurpees will destroy you; especially if taken without any other food. 40's are self-explanatory. Sitting on a front porch (especially in Oregon Hill) with a 40 of High Life or Iron City is summer incarnate.
The rest are essentials that need no explaining. Swimming, anything creative, and, of course, soccer. Good luck and have fun.
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