Define "Progressive".

Today I read a magazine, or rather, a catalog. That's a bad start. I didn't read the catalog. I looked through it. You can't really read pictures, can you? Whatever. I can't remember the name of the catalog, but underneath the title was the line "Products for progressives since 1979". I thought that sounded interesting. What products would be geared towards progressives? A home abortion kit ("All the tools of a certified practitioner in YOUR HANDS!"), possibly a wide selection of pornography where nice, rich republican girls go slumming and realize the failures of the republican welfare agenda while simultaneously getting balled? I don't know. Or, at least, I didn't know until I opened the catalog. My friends, inside I saw every reason why we fail. I'm not talking the small trivial failures either. I saw the reasons why conservatives and everyone else from every other platform mocks us.
Do you know what was inside? Do you even want to know? Okay. It was hacky sacks and bumper stickers that say shit like "vegetarians taste better" and "I support the separation of church and hate". I always kind of, in some deep I-don't-need-to-know-but-it's-so-ridiculous-I-have-to part of my brain, wanted to know where people get this dumb shit. Now I know. They go to the one stop, all you can shop idiot store. Good job guys. You made all of us look like morons with the most one-dimensional sense of irony ever heard of. Great. Just what I always wanted. Whatever.
The best part was how many bumper stickers and George Bush Bobbleheads there were to choose from. There are so many. The bumper stickers actually had to be broken down into categories like "Social-Economic Failures". In that category alone there may have been upwards of ten bumper stickers that made me A: cringe or B: regret aligning myself with such poor taste.
I think that's how this can all be solved. I need to found a social movement based on those who want to be a part of it. We won't be all that active, and people may mock us quite a bit, but we're gonna be the wittiest, most scathing bunch of folk ever. We will stand for "good times" and using irony in a way that is ACTUALLY FUNNY! Oh man, I can barely wait. While all the rest of you suckers are stuck with your issues and your beliefs and all that tomfoolery, I'm gonna be kicking it with a bad ass crew of funny as shit people who are all into cool junk.
That's way better than being progressive. You should join if you want. Only you probably aren't cool enough.